Wrong Timing

I'm feeling wave after wave of confusion lately. I seriously don't know what I want. Women. Complicated creatures I'll have to admit. Maybe it's the lessons I've learned, the broken dreams that make me so indecisive. I don't feel super depressed or anything just feel this pain in my head that won't go away. Thinking planning deciding studying. One thing for sure I really hate myself now. Frustrated every time I look at the damn mirror. But it keeps me going too, I feel the motivation to stop being a fatass again. Wonder if this motivation is short lived or for real.

My disgusting disgusting dinner + lunch. I really don't dig food like this I don't even know what I'm eating except for the beans in the middle but ya my mum says it's good so fine. If ask me eat like this everyday, well it might be torture but what to do when I don't want to be fat and sad anymore.

I now know how bad it feels like to have someone disappointed in me. That feeling is very burdening, a stone of guilt placed in my heart, making me feel bad for even living. How could I have let someone down like that. I can't do much about it anyways. Actually I can. Well I'm just thinking how. How do I find the perfect solution without hurting anyone. Ouw my head hurts again. Sleepless nights are in store for me. Tomorrow Sejarah 3 and I'm here thinking irrelevant bullshit. I really don't know how I will pass k bye.

Sudden unwelcomed realization

That moment while you're wasting your time at 9gag and you suddenly realize it's October already.

That moment when you realize exam is a week away.

That moment when you remember you haven't studied shit.

That moment when you know you should head to the books now.

That moment when you choose blogging over studying.

I'm fucked.

Traaaaans?

I think I've kinda give up on being a girl hahas. Not to say i'll chop off my balls and grow a dick or something like that, but it's time for a change. I cut my hair short recently, and people either hate it or love it.

So now what I want to do is cut my hair shorter, like guy la probably. Then I wear boob compression bra to hide those two, wear 3 quarter pants and walaaaa, easy life!!! I don't need to worry about hair fall, or worry about cleavage, or worry about getting up early to wash my hair. 

Good bo? I got consent from my parents and relatives and some friends. I'M GOING FOR IT!!!

T~T

I'm feeling quite emotional tonight. Listening to some special songs while my tears are in all directions wtf. Waterfall here! 陶醉在音乐中

Random stuff

Well damn it my parents know the existence of this blog already. Don't ask me how but they know. They don't know the link to it yet thank goodness. I modified and deleted so many of my past posts to make it presentable in case that one day they might come across this. 

LOL that was actually quite long ago. Now they've forgotten about the whole blog thing.

Dun care let's get down to business. First thing I wanna talk about it 中秋节. This year few people so abit xien loh ==

Actually took 600+ pictures but can't post all la right. Simply choose some put abit can le.

Another thing is bernard's oral test about teen depression and suicide. It really hit the feels right there. He asked if any of us were into cutting or contemplated suicide. He asked if any of us were heartbroken or unhappy with ourselves. He asked if we were ever depressed. How could I admit to all of these traits in class? I can't. Okk I am temporary changed now. No more emo bullshit like these.

One more thing is my hair. I finally grew the balls to cut it. Actually I didn't really grow the balls the story behind my hair cut is actually quite funny XD If got time I'll talk about it but gtg soon. I just wanna say sorry to my hair, I knew from the start I will miss you but I'm doing this for the best. You know the reason. Dear long hair, Sorry Sorry Sorry!! One day you will understand. Right now I hate my new hair but most of my friends seem to like it so okay la, I will survive.

I wished that I could fly,

Way up in the sky,

Like a bird so high,

Oh I might just try. 

You were like the rest after all

I feel kind of disappointed. No let me rephrase that, I feel fucking disappointed with you. You never saw my efforts. You never appreciated, you never felt. It's not that I mind, I do all these because I want to, because it makes me happy seeing you happy. But you weren't happy, not only that, you talk shit about me. Is that what I am in your eyes? Is that what I really am? I feel accused. I feel shocked. 

There's nothing to be surprised about ain't it? How can I be so stupid to feel secure with anyone? How could I have let my guard down with you? You were different. I thought you were. It's okay, disappointments come and go, just have to live with it. 

We could be good friends, I hope

I finally found two people in school that I really like being with......they brought back a cherished piece of my childhood back to me today. It's the first time this year that I felt really happy in this school. This part of me, I'm finally reunited. I felt complete today :') Hope that everyday goes on like this