Wrong Timing

I'm feeling wave after wave of confusion lately. I seriously don't know what I want. Women. Complicated creatures I'll have to admit. Maybe it's the lessons I've learned, the broken dreams that make me so indecisive. I don't feel super depressed or anything just feel this pain in my head that won't go away. Thinking planning deciding studying. One thing for sure I really hate myself now. Frustrated every time I look at the damn mirror. But it keeps me going too, I feel the motivation to stop being a fatass again. Wonder if this motivation is short lived or for real.

My disgusting disgusting dinner + lunch. I really don't dig food like this I don't even know what I'm eating except for the beans in the middle but ya my mum says it's good so fine. If ask me eat like this everyday, well it might be torture but what to do when I don't want to be fat and sad anymore.

I now know how bad it feels like to have someone disappointed in me. That feeling is very burdening, a stone of guilt placed in my heart, making me feel bad for even living. How could I have let someone down like that. I can't do much about it anyways. Actually I can. Well I'm just thinking how. How do I find the perfect solution without hurting anyone. Ouw my head hurts again. Sleepless nights are in store for me. Tomorrow Sejarah 3 and I'm here thinking irrelevant bullshit. I really don't know how I will pass k bye.

Sudden unwelcomed realization

That moment while you're wasting your time at 9gag and you suddenly realize it's October already.

That moment when you realize exam is a week away.

That moment when you remember you haven't studied shit.

That moment when you know you should head to the books now.

That moment when you choose blogging over studying.

I'm fucked.

Traaaaans?

I think I've kinda give up on being a girl hahas. Not to say i'll chop off my balls and grow a dick or something like that, but it's time for a change. I cut my hair short recently, and people either hate it or love it.

So now what I want to do is cut my hair shorter, like guy la probably. Then I wear boob compression bra to hide those two, wear 3 quarter pants and walaaaa, easy life!!! I don't need to worry about hair fall, or worry about cleavage, or worry about getting up early to wash my hair. 

Good bo? I got consent from my parents and relatives and some friends. I'M GOING FOR IT!!!

T~T

I'm feeling quite emotional tonight. Listening to some special songs while my tears are in all directions wtf. Waterfall here! 陶醉在音乐中

Random stuff

Well damn it my parents know the existence of this blog already. Don't ask me how but they know. They don't know the link to it yet thank goodness. I modified and deleted so many of my past posts to make it presentable in case that one day they might come across this. 

LOL that was actually quite long ago. Now they've forgotten about the whole blog thing.

Dun care let's get down to business. First thing I wanna talk about it 中秋节. This year few people so abit xien loh ==

Actually took 600+ pictures but can't post all la right. Simply choose some put abit can le.

Another thing is bernard's oral test about teen depression and suicide. It really hit the feels right there. He asked if any of us were into cutting or contemplated suicide. He asked if any of us were heartbroken or unhappy with ourselves. He asked if we were ever depressed. How could I admit to all of these traits in class? I can't. Okk I am temporary changed now. No more emo bullshit like these.

One more thing is my hair. I finally grew the balls to cut it. Actually I didn't really grow the balls the story behind my hair cut is actually quite funny XD If got time I'll talk about it but gtg soon. I just wanna say sorry to my hair, I knew from the start I will miss you but I'm doing this for the best. You know the reason. Dear long hair, Sorry Sorry Sorry!! One day you will understand. Right now I hate my new hair but most of my friends seem to like it so okay la, I will survive.

I wished that I could fly,

Way up in the sky,

Like a bird so high,

Oh I might just try. 

You were like the rest after all

I feel kind of disappointed. No let me rephrase that, I feel fucking disappointed with you. You never saw my efforts. You never appreciated, you never felt. It's not that I mind, I do all these because I want to, because it makes me happy seeing you happy. But you weren't happy, not only that, you talk shit about me. Is that what I am in your eyes? Is that what I really am? I feel accused. I feel shocked. 

There's nothing to be surprised about ain't it? How can I be so stupid to feel secure with anyone? How could I have let my guard down with you? You were different. I thought you were. It's okay, disappointments come and go, just have to live with it. 

We could be good friends, I hope

I finally found two people in school that I really like being with......they brought back a cherished piece of my childhood back to me today. It's the first time this year that I felt really happy in this school. This part of me, I'm finally reunited. I felt complete today :') Hope that everyday goes on like this

Shut it out from them, forget about finding someone to share it with

You know what? I should keep my mouth and feelings shut. People get real tired of my bullshit you see? Bloggie, you're the only one that understands me :'0 I don't know what I would do without you

Find out yourself

Find out yourself. Find out yourself. Find out yourself.

I beg you please never say that word again. You just dug up the root of all my problems and threw it back in my face. Never remind me of it again pls. I never want to hear it again ever.

Thank you

Unexpected tears streamed down my face uncontrollably as I lowered my head down to a prayer. There I was at a church, a place I never thought I would step in again after what happened in the past. Finally came heart to heart with the Lord. Now it was clear why I had been so lost in life for so long. I had been missing in hope, in faith, estranged with God.

God, I'm so sorry for leaving you abandoned in the back of my mind. I really am. I realized how much I need you now. I was a lost soul in the past, angered by life, unknowing my purpose. Now I feel the inner peace in me. I really want to thank the people who brought me here. I want to thank Nick too.

Leaving all deep thoughts aside let's go to the more shallow part of the day. A&W. That was really hell for me. With lydia being late there was no one I was close to. I felt really awkward. I wanted to be less awkward by trying to socialize around. Be friendlier you know. I looked around me. Yi jun was with her boyfriend so talking to her is kinda out of the question. Nichole was with her cousins. Hezaline was with Siew Yen and Siew Yen was with Hezaline. Ryan Jia Yuan Victor out of question since I knew them already but didn't have anything to say.

So there I was thinking. I could talk to siew yen and hezaline. But what could I talk about? Minecraft? Pokemon? No that's just too weird. People? That would be gossiping. School? Study? Who would talk about that. Bugs? Try to be funny and end up lame? My mind was blank. In the end I just sat there eating my free burger *thanks* miserably. I couldn't finish it because I felt sick from the awful shyness I felt. The thing is they have been a group of friends for so long. I'm the odd one out. I don't know what to say at all. In my mind it was like "go theresa go on and say something don't sit there frowning. Go on, look relaxed." But words couldn't form on my mouth. I was tensed up and vexed at the perplexity of the situation and it showed on my face. 

You see, making friends 1v1 is easy. But when you're the odd one out of a group of people who know each other well, is quite impossible since you don't know who to talk to and what to talk about.  This is not the first time situations like these happened. Honestly I was terrified. Surprisingly victor was the kindest person to me. Very nice of him.

Later at summit I tried to clear away the awkward thoughts in my mind by playing a few games in the arcade. MICHELLE!!! HOW JACK!!! XIAO SEN!! I finally play dao midnight liao. XD. Later I also joined them playing snooker or pool idk what it's called so that I wouldn't be sitting there awkwardly. I was really bad at it. Screwed up the whole game.

I don't know man. Now I know just the extent of awkwardness I can have when it comes to talking to people. This is why I'm a loner XD But it's okay. I know my path in life now. Leaving the church I wasn't as excited or inspired as I thought I would be. I felt drained instead. As if all my thoughts have come concentrated into one big ball and exploded, leaving a behind dark void empty enough to be outshined by the realization of my lack of faith. There shall be no more talks about death and acts of ungratefulness. I know now.

It's not true.

She wasn't kind with her words. She accused me, rendering me useless. Being the weakling I am I ran away hiding in the school toilet to weep. Lucky for me I did not come out with red eyes or nose. I wandered around aimlessly in school, not wanting to go back to class, looking through other classes for refuge, for comfort. Unfortunately all classes were filled with teachers but I saw samuel at the end of the corridor, looking over the balcony, obviously not wanting to enter his own class either. And so I joined him.

It just rained last night and the morning breeze was cool. The temperature was around cameron highland temperature and the wind was blowing at the right pace, not too strongly yet enough to feel it. We looked upon the peak of summit and the basketball court, talking. Actually it was just me asking him questions while he talked about social interactions. It was really soothing you know. Having a friend beside you without needing to worry how to continue on the conversation. I wasn't really listening. I allowed my ponderings to flow along with the wind, to disappear from me for that short moment. 

I really wish that time could freeze then. That was the most serene part I felt in months. Sadly that moment did not last. As we turned around TCC was at the other end of the corridor staring at both of us. God knows how long she's been there. We backed off into the stairs beside us and made a run for it. I went to bengkel as I suddenly remembered my friends were there. 

So there I was, helping them remove stitches and cutting off pieces of cloth in an furious attempt to feel useful. I'm not useless. I'm not useless. What she said about me isn't true. That teacher is just exaggerating. She's not thinking straight. I hope. 

After that I went to the open house thingy that zarif was asking us to go. It brightened me inside to see that I could make the orphan's day by borrowing them my camera. And it helped alot that wei yan, chin loong and czyn min were willing to be my photography subjects. I got to practice alot with photographing humans that day. I still have alot of room for improvement. 

Her words are still running through my mind. What should I do about what she said? Should I just quit and leave it to end, or should I stay on and prove to her that I can? I think I know the answer deep down in my heart. 

Doppelganger!!

I saw this girl who looked exactly like me in summit this morning. Can you imagine that shock @@ Honestly her hairstyle ah eyes ah nose all everything same u know. So there I was, looking at her from afar for the whole time I was eating. Is so weird to look at yourself eating, talking and laughing. I couldn't take my eyes off her cuz the resemblance was too much. It's quite uncomfortable looking at myself that way. Who knows? Maybe we're related XD

Wallow

What am I doing with my life. 

Everything is coming back. My mind isn't cooperating. I'm wallowing in self pity. 

I'm so frustrated right now.No motivation to study. Playing games but I'm still a noob. Drawing houses that look like crap. Talking to people that don't even want to be friends with me. *ok keep distance*

Flashback to the past few months *except July la*  I was completely dependant on bullet for my valentine and cycling to keep my mind off things. And then LoL came and it helped alot. I was constantly talking in school to steer clear from solitude but I don't know how, Zarif could tell that I wasn't happy. He got a sharp eye that fella. It was torture. I could never sleep at night. Night time always the worse part man. I could feel myself going insane. Always sneaking out to watch tv. To get my mind focused on something else. 

During July it all died down. I kinda forgot about it. But now, my bike has been taken from me. Permanently. How did it happen? I borrowed a friend my bike and gave him the key asking him to lock when he's done because I had to go out that time. That scumbag forgot to lock. See what happen now. Gone dy. I can't rely on just BFMV and LoL to clear my mind. I need to cycle. I feel my insanity coming back.

Writing everything out here is therapeutic  to me. It's as good as talking to a psychiatrist. I feel a sense of comfort writing down my feels. Idk what people think of me probably just another emo girl writing down her emo feelings for attention. You know what? You're probably right. I don't know why I'm writing all these down. Am I asking for attention? Like is there even anyone who reads this ? One glance at it and it's like oh god emo posts everywhere I'm outta here. Am I even thinking logically? No I don't think all this is for attention gua. This blog is really my bin for trashy feelings. My personal doctor. Yah I think that's it. 

Be honest about me to me, not to other people = =

Yesterday night. Two of my friends told me about this guy, who insulted me. When I heard the word insult all that was going in my head was 'oh did I annoy him or something'. Turns out he called my short and fat. LOL wth? I was relieved that he didn't call me annoying. Short and  fat. I get that alot man. It's just a fact of my life that I cannot escape. It's me. I accept that 

I'm not exactly insulted by that 'insult' but what bothered me was he said it behind my back. Why you do this man? Everybody says it in my face. Why can't you? Why you no 光明正大? To think la, that I actually thought of him as a friend. Thought that he was a 'nice' guy. While I'm thinking all these he's thinking of me as ' short and fat'. That's kinda shallow. I wonder how he insulted me in his class anyways XD Wonder how many ppl heard and agreed. 

This is the thing la. When I thought that I am friends with some person, they turn around and insult me. How to find true friend liddat. Scary la this world @@ That's why. Distance. Need to have this mindset that everyone does not want to be my friend. Then I'll know what to do. Don't be too friendly, don't wave. Let them start the conversation. Be cold. That's what's gonna happen when school starts. 

I was sleepless for the first time in months yesterday night. Many thoughts running in my head like who can I trust. Who actually wants to be friends with me. Who is real who is fake. Is very hard to differentiate ya know especially when people are so good at hiding their hate. What am I doing with my life. Wait la wait. One day I lose weight le then happy days are coming XD 

July 2013

It's been a month since I've updated. July was the fastest month really it felt like 3 seconds and it's gone. Not to mention it was the fasting month too XD Bazaar!!!!!!!!! It's not even Thursday yet but I'm starting to miss the bazaar already. July was exam month, I don't think anything really happened since we were studying. Oh yea the only highlight was I passed addmaths!!! For the first time in my life!! It's a splendid cause for celebration but obviously my parents don't know it yet. Keeping it low :P 

Talking about my feelings this month, I don't think I felt any sadness. My mood is very much better compared to the last four months. My my those times were really hell for me @@ I have, however distanced myself from some friends at school this month. It's not that we fought or anything, there's just this nagging feeling that I annoy them with my existence. You never know, that's why it's better to stay away for awhile and look at them more clearly. It's clear that I have been feeling lethargic this whole month. Nothing sad or emotional, just pure lack of energy. 

I don't have much to remember. Of course the unhappiness is still there, but it's getting covered up by reality gradually. Talking about friends, I missed having deep conversations with my close friends. Did those moments ever existed? I can't remember. I need to talk. Everything bottled up, it makes me want to scream at times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being depressed, just feeling a tiny bit of frustration. I thank the heavens for my brothers that can understand my feelings. But there's still something lacking there. I need a sister.  Or a friend that actually understands. It's not just talking about the problems. I want somebody who shares the same views on life as I do, someone who agrees whole heartedly and yet is not afraid of stating the contrary. I mean, the short way to put it is, I need to find a kindred spirit. Hope fate will bring me to her/him. 

To Bernard

I don't have the heart to tell you this face to face, sorry. I don't know if you will be able to read this or not and I'm not even sure I want you to read it but that's up to fate to decide. If it's meant for you to see this, then you will.

So. It's about yesterday. You telling people in class I used to be best friends with her. You shouting all over what I said to you in form 1 so that you will be with her. Is it necessary? I know I really was an idiot in form one. Truth be told I can't even remember I said all those things. Was I really that stupid? And I wasn't her BEST friend then. We were just kinda close. Trust me when I said she was different then. 

It might be, may be funny to everyone who was hearing you tell the story. It might have looked that I was smiling it off. Laughing. Denying. But in truth, you don't know how much it burns. How much I wanted to run off and cry. Childish of me but I really do cry every time after you mention this incident. It's not the first time you told this story. Couldn't you see the shame in my denial? Every time you bring this up, I feel like jumping off the balcony. 

Old me. She never stops haunting me. I really hate myself, even until now. I hate my past self even more. And when you bring up that particular story, my heart gets turned into a pulp. That pain of regret, I don't know if you know it. I've been trying to change alot. I don't want to get reminded of what I did. Because I know. And it hurts. 

I know that you hated me in form 1 after what I did. You don't have to repeatedly tell me that. How I wished I could turn back in time and just murder myself. Anyways, I don't have much to say anymore. You've just helped me in another step to social suicide, whether you know it or not. You're a great friend, really. But I wished you could understand. 

It's up to fate now, whether you will know how I feel or not. Maybe it decides that it's better not to let you know.

Talks and Haze

Wow finally reached home. Went summit with Joy today. We yamcha and talked. Alot. Heart to heart man. I told her alot of stuff I never told other people. It was really nice you know, finally being able to let out so many stuff I kept inside me. She was a good listener. She told me about her life in Singapore too. I mean I feel so much better now, someone in real life that listens and understands. Lucky weyh cuz I was afraid that this outing would be awkward. But it turned out pretty good. We kinda had alot to say to each other.

And tomorrow we have school. UGH man WHY. This haze holiday was really nice. But I'm quite glad to go back to school la. School is fun. At times :p Maybe not all times la but tomorrow will be damned fun. Alot of stuff to do. YEAA PRODUCTIVITY XD 

Speaking of haze, this year was really the worst. But it's so weird, a person with asthma background like me, should have been half dead by now. But surprisingly I was not affected by the haze at all. Plus the fact that I have been staying outdoors without a mask for this whole week, I really don't understand. Is it my body suddenly gained immunity? That's cool. 

DENSE

Oh god I am so angry right now I can't think properly. My fingers are really shaking and I think I just broke my toilet door kicking it. Damn. Let's see what happened. Apparently someone has been reading my blog and she was SMART enough to think that my previous post was about her. Well let me clarify this here. TAN CZYN MIN YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE READING THIS BUT ONE THING FOR SURE I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU. 

You call me a faker. Why? I was sincere in wanting to be your friend again. I didn't care that you complained about me before in your statuses and blog posts. I just wanted peace. And even though you were the one who was wrong in the first place I let down my ego and asked to be friends again. I could have just left you there alone. 

I don't understand man. I really don't understand. WHY ARE YOU SO DENSE?! You say that I use the virtual world, social network to let out my feelings. Well guess what, aren't you doing the same? AWWW THAT WAS SUCH A SURPRISE WASN'T IT? So I wasn't the only one complaining everything on social networks. You did too. What a hypocrite.

You complain that you have NO FRIENDS. That I was talking behind your back so that everyone would stay away from you. WELL HAVE YOU DONE A SELF CHECK RECENTLY? WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, IT WAS YOUR ATTITUDE THAT MADE EVERYONE FED UP OF YOU.

Calling me an attention grabber, aren't you one yourself too? You're insecure. I can see that. These four years of friendship, it didn't mean anything at all to you? I honestly thought you were my best friend. All that effort put into fixing our friendship, and IT GOES TO WASTE JUST BECAUSE OF A POST WHICH WASN'T EVEN POINTED AT YOUR DIRECTION. How do I feel? I feel alot of feels now.

I'm sick and tired of your whining and drama dy. Don't want to be friends with me? FINE! One more thing ah I NEVER TALK BAD BEHIND YOU BEFORE so think before you accuse me. I'm going to leave you alone. It's not like you're my only friend -.-

Good luck in life, don't even think about coming back again because we're over. You never appreciated this. You may or may not regret it but that is none of my concern. Spend the rest of your school days in bitter resentment. This is your decision. Don't blame us for not being 'friends' with you. GOOD BYE. 

Judgeworthy

Jack came to my house to teach my Dota 2 just now, and honestly I'm in a much better mood that before. *refer to previous post* Dota 2 is so much more harder than League of Legends wey. I see he play also want pengsan dy @@ 

At least life is not hopeless. I still have game to teman me. Don't call me an attention whore for saying  that I play game. At least I don't brag about it all over facebook like some people do. I just say it in my blog because not much people read it and I say what I want to say. Freedom of speech. Ever head of it? I don't think I'm better than the others just because I play games like this. I'm not even doing this for attention what the. I just want to play. Because my friend download for me. It's judgemental people like you guys who make me so frustrated. 

Hey wait I'm supposed to be in a good mood. Screw that again 

Shizz

Skipped campfire night to see brother's competition. Skipped Sports Day to celebrate Father's Day. Honestly nowadays I feel that spending time with family is more worth that spending time in school activities. I feel very detached from school. I just don't like it at all now. I don't think I can repeat this enough, 2013 has been a shit year and being 16 isn't that sweet at all.

Anyways at least I accomplished alot of stuff this week. I don't know la. I'm just not happy at all inside. I don't want to man the hell up anymore. I don't want to cry either. I just wanna screw it up and throw everything away. I don't feel like trying anymore, you know. You are now reading a post of someone who has given up. I am forlorn. I don't know la.

Don't call me unappreciative on life. I appreciate my life alot. I appreciate the people in my life. I just can't bring myself to be happy. What's the right word for it? Empty. Yeah I feel dam empty. Not because I'm heartbroken or whatever, it's just I lost my real smile quite a while ago, I don't know how it happened. I'm aimless. My life is quite a joke. 

One factor is I really can't trust anyone anymore. They assure you of things that ain't true. So what if she says  we're cool? She actually still hates you and wished you'd fall. So what if he says he's glad to have met you? He actually can't wait to have you out of his life. So what if they say you are awesome and funny? They actually think you're damn lame and talk behind you all the time. I'm not sure man. All these possibilities. Everything is fake now. I used to trust so easily. I thought that people meant what they said. Right now whatever people say to assure me, it all sounds like this:

bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit

I don't want to listen to any of you. It's fretful. You never know what is on their mind. Maybe that's the beauty of this world we live in. I wanna scream FUCK YOU ALL and run into the woods. Make friends with bears maybe. At least the most they can do is eat me. It doesn't hurt as much as being backstabbed right? 

I mean, I still look normal. I laugh alot, talk alot. I'm even capable of giving people advice to live and be really happy when I can't even do that myself. Wow what a hypocrite. Well it isn't my fault they come asking me for advice. Maybe I should tell them to screw all that crap in life. Life is a goddamned pain in the ass. Just give up. I hate life. No that's not true. I can't even bring up the energy to hate life. Everything is just meh to me. 

How ironic is it? Everything you say is the opposite to everything you mean.

Don't listen to that shit!! D: I did the exact same thing and see what happened? I was too naive. Too young. Too dumb. To realizeeeeee. LOL

Let's throwback into the bullshit you said :

You're my girl, remember that.

Bullshit. I was never yours. She was yours.

I love you

As a friend!!

I really do like you

pretending to*

Time flies when future cpl talking 

future strangers*

I will never want to see you hurt

Oh you do. You want to see that so badly

I will never make you cry

5 gallons of tears and still counting. It's all for you man

No matter what happens, I will be there for you

I need you now, where the fuck are you?

No you're not annoying, in fact I'm really glad to have someone like you to talk to

Liar weyh damn liar. Your friend told me the truth dy k.

I'm a good guy

BULLSHIT!!!

Wait why is my post steering to this direction? Why am I back to talking about him? I initially came here to say this: My brother was a finalist in Pokemon TCG Championships National!! Woohoo!! He's eligible to enter the World Championships!! That means we might be going to Vancouver baby!! 

Honestly I'm quite surprised because it was my brother's first time joining this kind of competition. I'm proud of him really. But that happiness lasted for a few minutes only. You can't call me selfish for that right? I don't feel like being happy at all. 

Fuck everything.