I don't have the heart to tell you this face to face, sorry. I don't know if you will be able to read this or not and I'm not even sure I want you to read it but that's up to fate to decide. If it's meant for you to see this, then you will.
So. It's about yesterday. You telling people in class I used to be best friends with her. You shouting all over what I said to you in form 1 so that you will be with her. Is it necessary? I know I really was an idiot in form one. Truth be told I can't even remember I said all those things. Was I really that stupid? And I wasn't her BEST friend then. We were just kinda close. Trust me when I said she was different then.
It might be, may be funny to everyone who was hearing you tell the story. It might have looked that I was smiling it off. Laughing. Denying. But in truth, you don't know how much it burns. How much I wanted to run off and cry. Childish of me but I really do cry every time after you mention this incident. It's not the first time you told this story. Couldn't you see the shame in my denial? Every time you bring this up, I feel like jumping off the balcony.
Old me. She never stops haunting me. I really hate myself, even until now. I hate my past self even more. And when you bring up that particular story, my heart gets turned into a pulp. That pain of regret, I don't know if you know it. I've been trying to change alot. I don't want to get reminded of what I did. Because I know. And it hurts.
I know that you hated me in form 1 after what I did. You don't have to repeatedly tell me that. How I wished I could turn back in time and just murder myself. Anyways, I don't have much to say anymore. You've just helped me in another step to social suicide, whether you know it or not. You're a great friend, really. But I wished you could understand.
It's up to fate now, whether you will know how I feel or not. Maybe it decides that it's better not to let you know.
