Thank you

Unexpected tears streamed down my face uncontrollably as I lowered my head down to a prayer. There I was at a church, a place I never thought I would step in again after what happened in the past. Finally came heart to heart with the Lord. Now it was clear why I had been so lost in life for so long. I had been missing in hope, in faith, estranged with God.

God, I'm so sorry for leaving you abandoned in the back of my mind. I really am. I realized how much I need you now. I was a lost soul in the past, angered by life, unknowing my purpose. Now I feel the inner peace in me. I really want to thank the people who brought me here. I want to thank Nick too.

Leaving all deep thoughts aside let's go to the more shallow part of the day. A&W. That was really hell for me. With lydia being late there was no one I was close to. I felt really awkward. I wanted to be less awkward by trying to socialize around. Be friendlier you know. I looked around me. Yi jun was with her boyfriend so talking to her is kinda out of the question. Nichole was with her cousins. Hezaline was with Siew Yen and Siew Yen was with Hezaline. Ryan Jia Yuan Victor out of question since I knew them already but didn't have anything to say.

So there I was thinking. I could talk to siew yen and hezaline. But what could I talk about? Minecraft? Pokemon? No that's just too weird. People? That would be gossiping. School? Study? Who would talk about that. Bugs? Try to be funny and end up lame? My mind was blank. In the end I just sat there eating my free burger *thanks* miserably. I couldn't finish it because I felt sick from the awful shyness I felt. The thing is they have been a group of friends for so long. I'm the odd one out. I don't know what to say at all. In my mind it was like "go theresa go on and say something don't sit there frowning. Go on, look relaxed." But words couldn't form on my mouth. I was tensed up and vexed at the perplexity of the situation and it showed on my face. 

You see, making friends 1v1 is easy. But when you're the odd one out of a group of people who know each other well, is quite impossible since you don't know who to talk to and what to talk about.  This is not the first time situations like these happened. Honestly I was terrified. Surprisingly victor was the kindest person to me. Very nice of him.

Later at summit I tried to clear away the awkward thoughts in my mind by playing a few games in the arcade. MICHELLE!!! HOW JACK!!! XIAO SEN!! I finally play dao midnight liao. XD. Later I also joined them playing snooker or pool idk what it's called so that I wouldn't be sitting there awkwardly. I was really bad at it. Screwed up the whole game.

I don't know man. Now I know just the extent of awkwardness I can have when it comes to talking to people. This is why I'm a loner XD But it's okay. I know my path in life now. Leaving the church I wasn't as excited or inspired as I thought I would be. I felt drained instead. As if all my thoughts have come concentrated into one big ball and exploded, leaving a behind dark void empty enough to be outshined by the realization of my lack of faith. There shall be no more talks about death and acts of ungratefulness. I know now.

It's not true.

She wasn't kind with her words. She accused me, rendering me useless. Being the weakling I am I ran away hiding in the school toilet to weep. Lucky for me I did not come out with red eyes or nose. I wandered around aimlessly in school, not wanting to go back to class, looking through other classes for refuge, for comfort. Unfortunately all classes were filled with teachers but I saw samuel at the end of the corridor, looking over the balcony, obviously not wanting to enter his own class either. And so I joined him.

It just rained last night and the morning breeze was cool. The temperature was around cameron highland temperature and the wind was blowing at the right pace, not too strongly yet enough to feel it. We looked upon the peak of summit and the basketball court, talking. Actually it was just me asking him questions while he talked about social interactions. It was really soothing you know. Having a friend beside you without needing to worry how to continue on the conversation. I wasn't really listening. I allowed my ponderings to flow along with the wind, to disappear from me for that short moment. 

I really wish that time could freeze then. That was the most serene part I felt in months. Sadly that moment did not last. As we turned around TCC was at the other end of the corridor staring at both of us. God knows how long she's been there. We backed off into the stairs beside us and made a run for it. I went to bengkel as I suddenly remembered my friends were there. 

So there I was, helping them remove stitches and cutting off pieces of cloth in an furious attempt to feel useful. I'm not useless. I'm not useless. What she said about me isn't true. That teacher is just exaggerating. She's not thinking straight. I hope. 

After that I went to the open house thingy that zarif was asking us to go. It brightened me inside to see that I could make the orphan's day by borrowing them my camera. And it helped alot that wei yan, chin loong and czyn min were willing to be my photography subjects. I got to practice alot with photographing humans that day. I still have alot of room for improvement. 

Her words are still running through my mind. What should I do about what she said? Should I just quit and leave it to end, or should I stay on and prove to her that I can? I think I know the answer deep down in my heart. 

Doppelganger!!

I saw this girl who looked exactly like me in summit this morning. Can you imagine that shock @@ Honestly her hairstyle ah eyes ah nose all everything same u know. So there I was, looking at her from afar for the whole time I was eating. Is so weird to look at yourself eating, talking and laughing. I couldn't take my eyes off her cuz the resemblance was too much. It's quite uncomfortable looking at myself that way. Who knows? Maybe we're related XD

Wallow

What am I doing with my life. 

Everything is coming back. My mind isn't cooperating. I'm wallowing in self pity. 

I'm so frustrated right now.No motivation to study. Playing games but I'm still a noob. Drawing houses that look like crap. Talking to people that don't even want to be friends with me. *ok keep distance*

Flashback to the past few months *except July la*  I was completely dependant on bullet for my valentine and cycling to keep my mind off things. And then LoL came and it helped alot. I was constantly talking in school to steer clear from solitude but I don't know how, Zarif could tell that I wasn't happy. He got a sharp eye that fella. It was torture. I could never sleep at night. Night time always the worse part man. I could feel myself going insane. Always sneaking out to watch tv. To get my mind focused on something else. 

During July it all died down. I kinda forgot about it. But now, my bike has been taken from me. Permanently. How did it happen? I borrowed a friend my bike and gave him the key asking him to lock when he's done because I had to go out that time. That scumbag forgot to lock. See what happen now. Gone dy. I can't rely on just BFMV and LoL to clear my mind. I need to cycle. I feel my insanity coming back.

Writing everything out here is therapeutic  to me. It's as good as talking to a psychiatrist. I feel a sense of comfort writing down my feels. Idk what people think of me probably just another emo girl writing down her emo feelings for attention. You know what? You're probably right. I don't know why I'm writing all these down. Am I asking for attention? Like is there even anyone who reads this ? One glance at it and it's like oh god emo posts everywhere I'm outta here. Am I even thinking logically? No I don't think all this is for attention gua. This blog is really my bin for trashy feelings. My personal doctor. Yah I think that's it. 

Be honest about me to me, not to other people = =

Yesterday night. Two of my friends told me about this guy, who insulted me. When I heard the word insult all that was going in my head was 'oh did I annoy him or something'. Turns out he called my short and fat. LOL wth? I was relieved that he didn't call me annoying. Short and  fat. I get that alot man. It's just a fact of my life that I cannot escape. It's me. I accept that 

I'm not exactly insulted by that 'insult' but what bothered me was he said it behind my back. Why you do this man? Everybody says it in my face. Why can't you? Why you no 光明正大? To think la, that I actually thought of him as a friend. Thought that he was a 'nice' guy. While I'm thinking all these he's thinking of me as ' short and fat'. That's kinda shallow. I wonder how he insulted me in his class anyways XD Wonder how many ppl heard and agreed. 

This is the thing la. When I thought that I am friends with some person, they turn around and insult me. How to find true friend liddat. Scary la this world @@ That's why. Distance. Need to have this mindset that everyone does not want to be my friend. Then I'll know what to do. Don't be too friendly, don't wave. Let them start the conversation. Be cold. That's what's gonna happen when school starts. 

I was sleepless for the first time in months yesterday night. Many thoughts running in my head like who can I trust. Who actually wants to be friends with me. Who is real who is fake. Is very hard to differentiate ya know especially when people are so good at hiding their hate. What am I doing with my life. Wait la wait. One day I lose weight le then happy days are coming XD 

July 2013

It's been a month since I've updated. July was the fastest month really it felt like 3 seconds and it's gone. Not to mention it was the fasting month too XD Bazaar!!!!!!!!! It's not even Thursday yet but I'm starting to miss the bazaar already. July was exam month, I don't think anything really happened since we were studying. Oh yea the only highlight was I passed addmaths!!! For the first time in my life!! It's a splendid cause for celebration but obviously my parents don't know it yet. Keeping it low :P 

Talking about my feelings this month, I don't think I felt any sadness. My mood is very much better compared to the last four months. My my those times were really hell for me @@ I have, however distanced myself from some friends at school this month. It's not that we fought or anything, there's just this nagging feeling that I annoy them with my existence. You never know, that's why it's better to stay away for awhile and look at them more clearly. It's clear that I have been feeling lethargic this whole month. Nothing sad or emotional, just pure lack of energy. 

I don't have much to remember. Of course the unhappiness is still there, but it's getting covered up by reality gradually. Talking about friends, I missed having deep conversations with my close friends. Did those moments ever existed? I can't remember. I need to talk. Everything bottled up, it makes me want to scream at times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being depressed, just feeling a tiny bit of frustration. I thank the heavens for my brothers that can understand my feelings. But there's still something lacking there. I need a sister.  Or a friend that actually understands. It's not just talking about the problems. I want somebody who shares the same views on life as I do, someone who agrees whole heartedly and yet is not afraid of stating the contrary. I mean, the short way to put it is, I need to find a kindred spirit. Hope fate will bring me to her/him.